Ohana (means family)

It's been more than 3 months since Tyler passed away.

Lately I've been thinking about my family a lot. The Hawaiian word "Ohana" (which you've probably heard in the movie Lilo and Stitch) has been on my heart. Ohana means family. "It emphasizes that family are bound together and members must cooperate and remember one another." My cousins have always been the most important group of people in my life. We are all more like brothers and sisters to each other, and we always have been. I found this really cute quote about what it means to be a cousin and it made me think of Tyler:


"A cousin sees the first tear, catches the second, and stops the third."

Man, Tyler had this formula down like a habit! I remember having numerous conversations with him late at night when I was upset. He would listen to my heart no matter how heavy it was, and he would dig deeper into the situation by asking questions. Then he would offer kind words of advice or encouragement to build me up, and then, every time, he would say something to make me laugh. Back in April I was going through a pretty rough time. Some of my friends rallied around me and tried to make me feel better, and their efforts were greatly appreciated. But in the end, it was Tyler who really got me through. After a week of pain and hardship, one conversation was all it took until he had me smiling again. He then went the extra mile by taking me out to lunch just to be sure I was okay. But during the conversation he said something that still means the world to me.... even today: "I mean this when I say it...... come over here and cry as loud as you want whenever you want, including now if you need to." Even though this conversation happened over Facebook, I could sense a lot of sincerity and seriousness in his statement. And the fact that he said this at 4:30 in the morning made it even more special. He also offered to come get me since it was so late. Now I really wish I had taken him up on that offer, just so we could have spent some more time together. I miss him.

Speaking of cousins, my cousin Branden has served in our Air Force for a few years now and has defended our freedom in Iraq and Kuwait as well as here at home. Branden is the oldest of the cousins, and he has definitely risen to the task of guiding and protecting all of us over the years. In a way, he has been something like a leader to us. Branden is very compassionate and is always looking to help others, and on top of that, he is very humble. I also feel that his strength has greatly supported us all as we have been grieving for Tyler. He was home with us for two weeks and it was absolutely wonderful having him. Branden, Tara, J.t., and I got to watch a movie together (watching movies together is a really big deal in our family), and he spent the afternoon with me, my mother, sister, and nephew. It made my heart glad to watch him play with my nephew, who obviously adores Branden even though they have not gotten to spend a lot of time together. Then on a Sunday almost the whole family gathered at PF Changs to celebrate Branden's birthday. Well, Branden is being deployed again in March or April to Afghanistan, Pakistan, or Libya, so all of this to say; prayers would be appreciated. Prayers for safety for Branden and comfort and peace of mind for the rest of us. It has never been easy to see anyone go anywhere in our family, but it's just plain awful now that we've already lost one. Knowing that Branden is going to be in danger troubles my heart something terrible, and I'm sure the same can be said for everyone in my family. So again, prayers would be appreciated.

After Tyler died and now that Branden is being deployed, I've realized something. I hate it when my family is separated. My aunt Roni and uncle Bobby will be moving out of state soon, and I've been struggling to come to terms with that. I guess we've somehow become even closer since Tyler's passing, and now, well... I don't want anything else to change. Knowing that anyone in my family is far away breaks my heart now. I don't know, I guess I'm just a little apprehensive.

On a positive note, going back to PF Changs, it was so wonderful to see [almost] my entire family there. I was tired after a long day of working in the heat and didn't plan on staying for very long, but within a few minutes I felt like I had become addicted to the smiles I saw on everyone's faces, and the love that holds us all together, even though we are incomplete without Tyler. But actually, he was there... sort of. After dinner we went to get ice cream and I noticed a necklace that my cousin Matt was wearing. It wasn't an ordinary necklace. I asked Matt if it was what/who I thought it was and he said yes. The necklace contains some of Tyler's ashes. It was strange, because in that moment I really felt like he was there. I felt like I could look at the charm and say, "Hey, Tyler!" and he would hear me. It was strange. But good. He has been tugging on our heartstring a lot lately (he's doing it right now in fact. I'm choking up just writing this), but I've felt him smiling down on me and my family. I don't know how to describe it. If you have never experienced it for yourself, then all I can tell you is that, well.... you just know. I know that Tyler is smiling.

A short update on the marathon. I took a month-long hiatus from running in June because I lost ten pounds. Since then I have gained the weight back, so no worries there. But the first time I went back to the gym, even though I had not done any running in a month, I did two miles without hardly breaking a sweat. Now I can do three miles [almost] easily. I think my body has adjusted and I'll be able to really start "training" soon. There are still 20 members on Team Tyler, but there is some really exciting news that I'll share..... in a later post. ;) This one has gone on long enough. Thank you for reading.

Tell someone you love them today.