Remembering Thanksgiving

So, I was driving recently (this was around Father's Day) and the radio host was talking to a woman on the phone about a regret they shared. Both of their fathers had passed away, and they both agreed that they wished they had written down the memorable moments they had shared. The radio host said that all of his memories were blurry and no longer clear. This saddened him deeply, and it saddened me too. It also made me a little apprehensive. I would be heartbroken if one day I found that my fondest memories of Tyler had become blurry. Memories are all I have of him, so how could I ever let go of them, or lose sight of them even? I've decided to write detailed accounts of  my memories of Tyler here, for the sake of sharing them and for the sake of keeping them, so that one day I will be able to find them here and remember them as clearly as I do today. Granted, some of the really early memories are already blurry, which is okay I guess. I want to start with the memories from when our, as our family calls it, "connection" began to flourish. The first memory is from Thanksgiving a couple years back. I don't actually remember which year this is from. In fact, I don't remember a lot from this night, but what I do remember suffices.

The cousins sat around the kitchen table eating and laughing together... like we always do. I do not remember if I sat next to Tyler or across from him. I think it was one or the other. Either way, I remember the boys doing a good job of making us all laugh, Matt and Tyler particularly. Tyler probably had two or three plates that night. I make this assumption because... well, of all the meals I ate with Tyler, I never once saw him eat less than two plates. I think I also had a pretty full plate and a decent portion of dessert afterwards because I remember feeling really full. Tyler also complained that he might have eaten too much. Right after dinner Tyler and I went into the basement. To my amazement, he plopped down on the couch and sprawled out on his stomach. This amazed me because I need at least a half hour after a meal to let my food settle before I can lay down, and probably an hour before I can lay on my stomach. He did this after eating two or three plates worth of Thanksgiving dinner! I sat either on the floor in front of him or on the couch by his feet. I don't remember which. After talking for a few minutes we turned on the TV and found a Thanksgiving-themed gluten competition. We couldn't tear our eyes away! Tyler, of course, loved it, and probably could have competed. I couldn't decide how I felt, probably because I was so full.

We did quite a bit of talking that night. I got up to play pool with my cousin Clay (Tyler's big brother), but Tyler and I still talked while he remained glued to the gluten competition. This was the night I learned that Tyler's middle name was Cameron. And I feel that this was also the night Tyler and I made our first "connection", because I remember feeling a sense of admiration for him, like I would have for an older brother. I wish I could remember more from this night, but again, this suffices.

I am so thankful to have memories of Tyler. Like I said before, they're really all that I have left of him, which makes them even more dear to my heart. :) Speaking of being thankful, I want to thank everyone for helping me and my family get through this difficult time. The love and support that has been poured over us has been astonishing, and a real blessing. So, if you have supported us in any way, even just by reading this blog... THANK YOU.

It has officially been two months since Tyler's death. People ask "is it still difficult?" and the answer is a resounding YES. It has not gotten any less difficult than it was on day one. A dear friend of mine told me a story about a little girl who asked her mother why her heart hurt whenever she missed someone. The mother told her that when people form friendships, their hearts are attached by a string that never goes away, not even when one of them dies, and that the pain we feel when we miss someone who has died is caused by that person tugging on their end of the string. That's why they call them heartstrings, I guess. But Tyler tugs on our heart string a lot... always at inopportune times too, like when I'm at work. And you know what? That is totally okay with me. I don't mind feeling this pain any more. I welcome the tears, because every time I feel that tug, I remember how much I love and miss Tyler, and it makes me all the more excited to see him again some day.

So keep tugging, Tyler. I feel you.