Why?

After someone commits suicide, their loved ones are often left with many questions, most of which begin with "why"...

Why did they do it?
Why didn't they ask for help?
Why didn't they think of me?

That last question leaves room for a lot of judgement, I think. And it is not fair.
I believe that if someone could look into the future and see the pain and misery their loved ones go through after a suicide, they would be far more likely to reconsider the act. But Tyler once told me that when someone is in such a dark place it is impossible to think like that. They don't consider their loved ones or how they might feel. They don't consider what they are leaving behind. They don't consider the life they could have if they would just hold on. They can't, they just want their pain to end. Some might call it selfishness. I used to, but now I'm on the fence about it. Yes, those who are left behind are cheated out of valuable time with their loved ones, and the world is cheated out of an important life that could have done so much. But I am personally unsure of whether or not to call suicide a selfish act anymore. I've never been even remotely close to considering ending my life, so I have no idea what the pain is like, so who am I to judge? But that is just me. You may agree or disagree. But if it is a selfish act after all, then Tyler's suicide was the only selfish thing I've ever known of him doing. With that said, I am glad that he is no longer in pain. I can take comfort knowing that he is not hurting anymore even though I am. Speaking of judging, I am going to try to honor Tyler by not judging others, which is why I don't feel comfortable calling suicide a selfish act. Tyler once said, "I HATE it when people judge others, even if they have all the facts. You can't judge a person's thoughts, pains, or emotions based on just facts. Don't even try, you'll just project your own problems on them." So, let's not judge, shall we?

But "why" is such a big question, and in cases of suicide, I don't think it ever gets answered. But I found this song and I think that it is very fitting, and although sad, it is also comforting in a strange way.

_____

"It must have been a place so dark
You couldn't feel the light
Reaching for you through that stormy cloud
Now here we are gathered 
In our little home town
This can't be the way you meant to draw a crowd


Oh why? That's what I keep asking
Was there anything I could have said or done?
Oh I had no clue you were masking 
A troubled soul, God only knows
What went wrong
And why you would leave the stage 
In the middle of a song


Now in my mind I keep you frozen
As a 17-year-old
Roundin' third to score the winning run
You always played with passion
No matter what the game
When you took the stage
You shined just like the sun


Oh why? That's what I keep asking
Was there anything I could have said or done?
Oh I had no clue you were masking
A troubled soul, oh God only knows
What went wrong
And why you would leave the stage
In the middle of a song


Now the oak trees are swaying
In the early autumn breeze
A golden sun is shining on my face
The tangled thoughts I hear 
A mocking bird sing
This old world really ain't that bad a place


Oh why? There's no comprehending
And who am I to try to judge or explain?
Oh but I do have one burning question:
Who told you life wasn't worth the fight?
They were wrong
They lied
Now you're gone
And we cry
'Cause it's not you
To walk away in the middle of a song


Your beautiful song
Your absolutely beautiful song."

_____

The song addresses another question, one that has been burning on my own mind for the past 3 weeks. "Was there anything I could have said or done?" Yes, I could have loved on Tyler more, I could have listened to his heart more, I could have done many things. Could anything have been done on my part to change things though? Well, I don't have an answer for that. But one of the things I appreciate about Tyler is that he contradicted what he had told me earlier about people being unable to consider the feelings of their loved ones when they are about to commit suicide. I have not read it for myself, but I was told that he did two things in his suicide note. First, he expressed his deep love for his family and friends. And secondly, he pleaded for no one to feel guilty. It's crazy to think that someone who had been suffering for so long would use his last moments to make sure that his loved ones would not place the blame of his death on themselves. Death is a heavy burden, and Tyler knew that, but he did not want the burden of guilt to be added. In fact, that might have been his final wish.

How could I call him selfish now? I always counted Tyler as one of the most selfless people I knew. He would give up anything and everything to help someone in need. He would always do favors without grumbling or griping. And if, by chance, he could not be there, he would always make up for it with a lunch or dinner outing or a long talk on the phone. And in his final moments he tried to make certain that his loved ones would not blame themselves for his death. So selfless. That was my cuzie. :) And to honor him I am going to try to stop asking that question. Instead, I'm going to try to be more loving and considerate and I'm going to try a lot harder to listen to the hearts of the people I love while they are still in my life.

That wasn't the only time Tyler contradicted himself. We were on vacation last year and my cousin Tara and I were playing a card game. Tyler walked into the room and we invited him to play, but he insisted that he hadn't played in years and would be really bad. He then proceeded to win the whole game in less than five minutes and still insisted that he hadn't played in years! We played a couple more time throughout the week and I think Tyler won every time. But he was very humble about it. :)

And then Tyler took me to lunch when I was having a bad day. We were walking around his college campus trying to find his car. I had a bad case laryngitis so my voice sounded... well... terrible. But Tyler insisted that I would still be able to sing better than him. I told him to sing something but he refused, and then declared that I would never hear him sing. Now, Tyler was the tallest person in our family, and I'm most likely going to be the shortest, so to say the least, I had to walk fast to keep up with him. He would never let me get too far behind him. He would kindly stop and patiently wait for me to catch up. But at one point he had gotten a few steps ahead of me without noticing, and when I caught up to him I heard his voice. He was not talking, but singing quietly to himself. "Are you singing?!" I asked. He smiled, knowing he was caught. His excuse was that it was a good song and he heard it coming from a nearby building.

That was the last time I ever saw Tyler. Sitting here writing about it reminds me of vacation again. Tara, Tyler, and I were sitting on the beach with our feet in the ocean water, and Tyler kept asking me to sing something. I didn't, so we just talked about our family.

I could go on forever about all of the good memories I have of Tyler. The one of us walking around his college campus is the one that sticks out to me the most right now. I can't really remember what he sounded like when he was singing that day. All I know is that, like the song by Rascal Flatts said, it was beautiful. Tyler's song - his life - was absolutely beautiful. If only there was a replay button for life...