"Heartbreak"

This was written by Tyler just 33 days before he died. He called it Heartbreak:


Part I: your gut is aching, and it feels empty. its as if someone took all of your organs and pushed them up into your chest, causing an emptiness inside your stomach that you can't handle. the pain is so deep, its impossible to describe. you wrap your arms around your waist and sit at the edge of the bed rocking back and forth and breathing heavily. your knees start bouncing causing your heels to tap on the floor. its impossible to sit still while in this much pain. you can’t see or hear anything around you. your focused only on how much you’re hurting inside, and that you’ve never been this scared in your entire life. your biggest fear is the fall that never ends. and you are falling so fast. you try to calm your breathing but it’s impossible. you try to think about something else, but thats even harder. the fear leads to nerves that are overwhelming, and indescribable. you're nervous because there seems to be no end. you feel dead inside and it gets worse with every new thought. and that’s when it starts. the tears form behind your eyes, and your throat begins to burn. you never knew that crying so often could cause your throat so much pain. but it does. and these tears are different. you’ve been sad before. you’ve cried before. but not like this. nothing has ever hurt like this. you didnt know you were capable of feeling this much pain. you look around your room, hoping to find something quick to distract yourself. but you don't find anything. its your room, but it doesnt feel like it. the pain has left you so detached, nothing in your life is familiar anymore. your best friends are in the room right next to you, but they don't feel like friends any longer. not because they don’t still care for you, they would do anything for you. but because they don't seem to understand your pain, and the words don't exist to explain it to them. they’ve tried comforting you, but its no use, and it makes you feel worse. a great distance has somehow come between you. the entire world could be watching you break down and you’d still feel all alone, because she can’t see you.

everything has been reduced to the person you love. and without closure your destined to be stuck there. finally you blink, the tears rush down your cheek and the back of your throat catches fire. you curl up in your bed and face the wall and pray for it to end soon. you can't breathe. you look down at your arms still wrapped tightly around your stomach. as if they are trying to find the pain she left inside and tear it out. your arms grip tighter as time passes and your knuckles turn white. minutes go by, then hours, and all you can think about is how much you still love her and how much worse your pain is today. because its been getting worse since the day she stabbed you in the heart and left you bleeding on the side of the road in the rain and in a foreign city, still smiling as she skipped away, returning to her life as if nothing happened. seemingly loving only herself and caring for no one else. she used you and mislead you and you'll never know why. everything about her seemed to be a lie. a guiltless twisted lie that made you learn to hate her, and love her more at the same time. you try to determine what triggered this? what made you think of her again? but then you realize you haven’t stopped. not since the last time you saw her. not since she looked into your teary eyes with a smile that cut through your heart, and spoke without a hint of empathy or care towards your suffering. waiting until after you left, when she didnt have to see your face, to say goodbye. and you were too hurt, too shocked, or too afraid to speak. she had been hurting you for so long. you had everything left to say, but when you looked into her eyes and saw perfection, you forgot every word. this is the girl you were waiting your whole life for. you were certain of her feelings towards you. but somehow, some way, you were wrong. you would have died for her and now she is asking that you live without her. all you want to do is see her smile one more time. make her laugh one more time. but you can’t. you want to give up everything, just to see her face light up one last time. you begin to learn that time doesnt heal all wounds. it cant heal something that hurts this bad. it only distances you from it, from everything. school, work, play, nothing distracts you. because none of that means anything to you anymore. you tell yourself to try new things, find a new passion. because old interests remind you too much of the past. you tell yourself to meet new people in the hopes that maybe if you meet a thousand new faces, one might be able to make you forget hers. because you desperately need someone to take away this pain. but you can't go a half hour without breaking down and crying, so how are you supposed to accomplish anything? just staying alive becomes a challenge you can't handle. 

everything changes. showers are no longer a place to get clean, but a place to collapse alone on your knees and have your tears washed away forever. sunglasses become a protective mirror, to conceal your swollen eyes. and different clothes hide the weight you've lost because you can't eat. conversations are no longer a way to connect with someone, but a reminder that life is somehow still going on around you. because the world you knew stopped the day you met her. she was better than everything and now shes gone. and trying to start over alone is the hardest thing imaginable. the time of day, where you are, what you’re doing, who you’re with... none of that matters anymore. because you’re in too much pain to feel joy. trying not to cry becomes as hard as trying not to breathe. and the only relief you get is while you’re sleeping. but even that comfort has been taken away too. you've been staying up late with her for so long that you cant fall asleep without telling her goodnight. so you lie awake in bed staring into the darkness, too hurt to read, or even watch tv. and there isnt a song in the world without a line that reminds you of her. so you just start listening to the same songs, over and over again. and staring at the same spots in your room. or walking around the same parts of your neighborhood, looking for new places to cry because you’ve filled your room with tears and you're drowning in them. its been months since you've slept more than two hours. because two hours is all the rest your broken heart needs before it wakes up again. the part of her she left inside is killing you. your whole life is controlled by it. every decision guided by it. she dug so deep, you can't get her out and you're losing all control. you begin to have doubts about whether you can make it through this. how can you be hurting this bad and still be alive? how is your heart still beating? how is your gut still empty? how much more agony can your body take? you're only human. you realize you need help. but you’ve isolated yourself for too long. its been months since you’ve been vulnerable in someone elses arms. you broke down in front of everyone and nobody could provide any comfort. so what's the point of doing it again? you keep the pain to yourself hoping someone finally sees it in your eyes. but they can't. because unlike yours, their lives are still carrying on.

Part II: the pain you felt begins evolving into something else. something you don’t understand. you have no motivation to move, or to do anything. as if your body is trying to numb itself, so it doesnt get hurt anymore. you pray that maybe you're finally giving up, and dying. you’ve stopped bleeding out, but the wound is still open. you begin filling it with everything you can grasp and everyone you meet and you lose track of who you are. and when you finally do meet someone else, someone amazing, you'll just end up hurting yourself more. because you're in too much pain to be with anyone, and you're too hurt to be alone. its the worlds worst catch 22. you've tried everything and connecting with someone else is the only way you feel anything again. its not fair to her and you'll wind up pushing her away too because you're in too much pain to be friends. you hate yourself for the position you put her in and just like everyone else, she can't understand the agony you're feeling or how much you needed her. the void she filled is gone and the overwhelming feelings of loneliness come rushing back in. a cloud forms around you that nobody can see, and it blinds you. you've lost all control of emotion. and the tears are so close to the surface that they spill at every turn.

Part III: finally you snap. maybe you even go crazy. and someone sees it. they look deep into your eyes and see the emptiness she left inside you. they try to help, because even though you’ve lost the ability to feel the warmth of others, they still care about you. but friends and family, they all say the same things: time heals all wounds, nothing is worth hurting this much over, something better will come along, you need to find closure, focus on bettering yourself, learn from this, everything happens for a reason. but none of them understands how you feel. they can’t. your feelings can’t be felt by others. by nature thats what the word means. time has not helped, she was worth everything, you're too hurt to notice anything better, she doesnt want you to have closure, focusing on anything else is impossible, and there is no reason in this world. you finally see a therapist and even they can't fully understand why anyone would do what she did to you. why she isolated you instead of allowing you just five minutes to get clarity and stop the bleeding. NOBODY can explain why she hurt you the way she did. so you spend all day trying to move on from something no one understands. its impossible, and the medication is just a reminder that you can't handle the pain you were in before. for the first time in your life you look into the future and its filled with fear and anxiety. and you look into the past and see the hell you came from. you've datached yourself so far from reality because its too painful and you're stuck. your past accomplishments don't even feel like "you" anymore. and you're trying so hard not to be a coward, to survive. not because you want to. but because everyone else needs you to. for over a year now, everytime you've felt the urge to end your suffering, you reach out to someone new for help. but you've ran out of people. and you've ran out of will. the only thing keeping you alive is how scary that last step is. you can't imagine continuing another year like this, or even another week, let alone a lifetime. all you want to do, is stop hurting.